Ep. 041: “Meth or the Devil That Will Take Your Soul”
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Understanding the workings of the mind of someone who is completely psychologically, physically, and emotionally dependent on methamphetamine can be difficult for an individual who has never crawled into that hole.
In 2013, I made a single decision that could have killed me. I had 11 years clean and sober and found myself standing in my room, holding a glass meth pipe and trying to come up with a reason why hitting that pipe could make sense. I had Beelzebub whispering in one ear that I could handle it, no big deal, just take one hit. In the other ear I had benefactor, or that kindly helper, telling me to put it down and remember the control it had over me many years ago.
I held that pipe for about 20 minutes as those two fought with each other. Beelzebub won, and I hit that pipe and I will never forget that realization I had immediately after I blew out the smoke. That realization was “I am fucked.” Instantly, a compulsion combined with cravings kicked in; and I knew that my life was over as I knew it and I was going to need to hold on to that rollercoaster.
Most people out there who have not experienced this nightmare think of them as bad people, criminals, and justifiably so from their perspective. Meth, or “shit” as we called it, brings upon an evil as I become Mr. Hyde. A battle begins as Dr. Jekyll remains somewhere in that world of darkness and can be seen in my eyes, as my wife explains.
Who would win? Can evil die?
