Ep. 064: Paul Berggren: A Father's Pain. Hope Has No Action. How is Healthy Love Expressed?
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My guest today is Paul Berggren, who has had to deal with the absence of his son. Micah. Micah is currently being housed in the Nebraska department of corrections for charges that aren’t specifically drug related but clearly actions taken while under the influence. Parents sacrifice their time, energy, and existence to focus on another person and raise them to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, the person that has been focused on tends to lack any appreciation and feels entitled as they nail the parents to a cross for an excruciating sacrifice. The question I am asked the most by families is “is there hope for my child in staying clean because he or she has failed so many times?” The answer is always yes.
Why is the relapse rate so high for these individuals and where do they go wrong? They do not have a motivation that they control. Everybody is originally motivated by moving away from a painful experience. A MOTIVATION FROM PAIN WILL NEVER LAST. These are all temporary consequences that will either resolve themselves or go away. Once they disappear, using will return and new pain will arise sending them back into the cycle of recidivism.
My guest today is here to share his experience in dealing with his son who has struggled with addiction and is currently in-custody in Nebraska. We don’t know what his son will do when he gets out but I have been communicating with his son through JPAY. My guest Paul is here to discuss what he has gone through from the family perspective. It may be exceedingly difficult to determine how serious someone, whether it be a family member or friend is about getting help because the decision can be very skewed by lack of money, being tired, employment problems, relationship problems, health problems and in our case today, being incarcerated. When resolved, this may alter their course as they return to their previous lifestyle.
Many children and young adults will learn very early on the person or persons who they can use to manipulate as they use love as the tool to save them from negative consequences. Drug and alcohol abusers aren’t stupid people and can be great actors, in general, as they will shed tears of sadness for a tank of gas from you and then leave the room with laughter as they hand their dealer the money for a bag of dope. We all must remember that when we are dealing with someone using, they are not themselves, and are lost in a world where nothing matters but that drug. Even though you may have unconditional love for your family member, love is not in the equation for that person whom we love and want to save. They are not requesting your love in most cases, but instead are encouraging material things to be given because of your love.
Many will fear that if we do nothing to help, then the person may die. If you offer help and they refuse to take advantage of it, they may die. If you continue to help as they have less incentive to change because we can do this again later, will increase the chances of relapse and an untimely death. “Al-Anon” teaches about detachment, which is to “let go of our obsession with another’s behavior and begin to lead happier and a more manageable life.” This is not about detaching your love for this person, but it is also about loving yourself and learning to be happy with the absence of this individual.
Someone currently using and being absent from the family can be very similar to burying a child with one exception. Hope. Parents, will many times, hold onto hope when they have not received news that their child died which can make that process of detachment more difficult.
“He is fine.”
“She will be home once she runs out of money.”
“This is a phase.”
Hopefully, he or she does make it back, but during this hoping phase, this is a good time to start and learn to love yourself. It is highly recommended that you get support through a self-help program like Al-Anon, meet with a therapist, and learn to heal from your grief and loss that may be negatively affecting your day to day life. How is healthy love expressed? It starts by loving yourself.
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